Article on The Internet Mini Encyclopædia

Header SSI Insert revised (no index tag!): 22-Feb-2016

Find Mini on Amazon | Mini Books! | About the I.M.E. | click to bookmark this page (AOL click AOL Heart )

Letter Indexes.... A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z

Finger Tight Malcolm (FTM)

Who is he?

FTM is a three-letter acronym (TLA for those of you with DEC experience) for


We are prevented from revealing the true Identity of Finger-Tight Malcolm, due to the extremely tight libel laws that exist in the UK. However, this man is a legend amongst Mini-clubs, and whenever two or three Mini-owners are gathered together, they will trade stories of his Mythic Incompetence - some of which we share with you below...

This first story comes from someone who was once member of the same club as Finger-Tight Malcolm, despite which he still has a full working complement of limbs....

ALLEGEDLY Young Malcolm was once cut free from his car after having his ankle pinned to the crossmember where the seat is fastened to! What had happened....?

Bereft of shims, he decided to take up the slack on the offside bottom swivel hub balljoint by placing a machined down 1 pence piece into the space normally occupied by the spring between hub and swivel ball, torqued up the big nut and the REAL big nut then decided to go for a drive.

At 75 mph the bottom swivel let go and the unrestrained wheel came in through the inner wing. The car stopped (grinding, literally, to a halt), and a old lady espying FTM screaming within his car called for the boys in blue.

Before being released he was asked to produce the necessary paperwork....


NO tax, NO MOT, NO insurance, subsequent prosecution for driving an unroadworthy vehicle made a bus pass de rigeur for the next few months!!!

I have been told that young Malcolm also rebuilt an engine as a favour for an unsuspecting Young Lady with whom he was quite taken. Needless to say, the relationship remains unrequited due to a certain automotive malfunction.

Latest reports confirm that Malcolm is now a build agent for Domino Cars, who build a fibreglass replacement shell for the Mini, thus singlehandedly ruining this kit car manufacturer's reputation....

If anyone offers you a recent model Pimlico, Premier or HT, examine it carefully....

(More on FTM and other stories of automotive incompetence can also be found within Steve Dix's (very old) pages at - for more recent humour from Steve, visit

Join the Yahoogroups MiniList | Feedback | Submit an Article to the IME

Join the Minilist share your joys and woes with 500+ mini owners worldwide via Minilist at Yahoogroups

Footer SSI Insert revised: 23-Feb-2016
15 06 2003