Who is he?
FTM is a three-letter acronym (TLA for those of you with
DEC experience) for
FingerTightMalcolm
We are prevented from revealing the true Identity of Finger-Tight Malcolm, due
to the extremely tight libel laws that exist in the UK. However, this man is a
legend amongst Mini-clubs, and whenever two or three Mini-owners are gathered
together, they will trade stories of his Mythic Incompetence - some of which we
share with you below...
This first story comes from someone who was once member of the same club as
Finger-Tight Malcolm, despite which he still has a full working complement of
limbs....
ALLEGEDLY Young Malcolm was once cut free from his car after having his ankle
pinned to the crossmember where the seat is fastened to! What had happened....?
Bereft of shims, he decided to take up the slack on the offside bottom swivel
hub balljoint by placing a machined down 1 pence piece into the space normally
occupied by the spring between hub and swivel ball, torqued up the big nut and
the REAL big nut then decided to go for a drive.
At 75 mph the bottom swivel let go and the unrestrained wheel came in through
the inner wing. The car stopped (grinding, literally, to a halt), and a old lady
espying FTM screaming within his car called for the boys in blue.
Before being released he was asked to produce the necessary paperwork....
Ooops!
NO tax, NO MOT, NO insurance, subsequent prosecution for driving an unroadworthy
vehicle made a bus pass de rigeur for the next few months!!!
I have been told that young Malcolm also rebuilt an engine as a favour for an
unsuspecting Young Lady with whom he was quite taken. Needless to say, the
relationship remains unrequited due to a certain automotive malfunction.
Latest reports confirm that Malcolm is now a build agent for Domino Cars, who
build a fibreglass replacement shell for the Mini, thus singlehandedly ruining
this kit car manufacturer's reputation....
If anyone offers you a recent model Pimlico, Premier or HT, examine it
carefully....
(More on FTM and other stories of automotive incompetence can also be found within Steve Dix's (very old) pages at http://webspace.dialnet.com/steve_simpletons - for more recent humour from Steve, visit http://www.snorty.net)
15 06 2003